All my days are blurring together, there are so many hours strung together because there aren’t enough of them to do all the things. Been doing a lot of foodie adventures with Tyler and Brandon. I introduced Tyler to Moko and we ate a bunch of awesome things. Brandon and I went to Mint earlier in the week and I had the best Indian food in forever. Saturday was Liam’s birthday bbq house party thing. Sunday I goth’d out for the moon and it was cloudy so I went to see Sarah while she was bartending and ended up at Cornish Pasty with Brandon, then back to her bar. I was called totes adorb and given chocolate bread pudding that night. It hurt my tummy, but it was so tasty and i would have felt rude refusing it. I like how I’ve been surrounded by so much alcohol lately, and feel like I need to drink myself into stupidity but have barely had any.
I feel like I’m not keeping up right now. I was so wrecked from the hours last Tuesday and Wednesday I went home early Thursday and Friday, slept early Friday and slept off and on Saturday before leaving the house around sunset. I crashed out in their guest room so I wouldn’t have to drive across down sleepy and still woke up exhausted. I decided to detour to Sunrise Coffee since it’s around the corner and got a London fog and gf lemon poppy seed muffin. I love that place. London fogs, dirty chais, and Mexican mochas will always be my caffeine drinks… in that order. It’s one of the places I still associate Josh with. Brandon and I were talking about landmarks in cities since he recently went through a break up. I didn’t have it so bad in Phoenix, and I think it was due to a few factors. I have a long established history there, my earliest memories are there, I had a life and friends and other associations, and a strong support network of friends. Even when certain places were associated with Jay it was fine because I had my own places, or maybe we were together long enough I was just established all by myself. I would have ended up the scene anyway, I just have so many ties directly and indirectly, but he really immersed me in it, and I passed him socially, and I know that got to him. I will never settle roots where I am now, and have the luxury of not being tied to any place, so I can have ideals and go sample them before deciding. I’m more comfortable here, I’ve felt like I’ve had hometown advantage sometimes even if this doesn’t feel like my hometown, but I just passed the 6 month mark living here when I met him. There were/are strong associations to Four Seasons, it was hard looking at Mandalay, I would stare at MGM waiting for a light to turn green. The coffee shop on the east side, my favorite Korean food place. All these happy things just super painfully sad.
The associations and the emotion have dissipated a little and it was surreal over the weekend leaving the coffee shop, it was faster taking Sunset road all the way down and that road stretches along the airport. I’ve only been there for him and for Mel and Chris. I saw all the Southwest planes, then saw two Deltas take off and go west, I wanted to be on one, to go anywhere, to be anywhere else. The drive to go somewhere is so bad right now. The airport entrance to the 215 was blocked due to construction so when I got to Las Vegas blvd I could either go left and pass Town Square to the 215, or turn right and take Russell to the 15.. I decided to do that since it’s faster and I’m willing to take that stretch of freeway during those hours. It’s very calculated lol. There I was at the light right after the Las Vegas sign, waiting to turn left, right in front of Mandalay.. glancing right and as my eyes wonder up the strip there is the MGM off to the right. And it wasn’t so bad. It’s some minor melancholy, without the urgency, without the sharp, stabbing, heart in your throat, empty feeling in your chest. This is a slow transition. I couldn’t listen to certain music for a while and was like fuck it. This was established in my life a long time ago. Leaving the coffee shop Utada was playing, and turning onto the freeway Something To Sleep To started. Seriously, Michelle Branch? Thanks shuffle. I guess time and a sense of already having been there and conquering that kind of emotion helps. New memories and associations help. Feeling more established where you are helps. I know the situational and seasonal depression has been compounding with other noise in my head and that’s making everything harder to adjust to. I have no patience for myself, I’m working on it. I woke up nauseated and fatigued this morning, pushed through today, managed 10 hours. Ralph was there for me Friday and today, he pulled me away from my desk to stop and get something to eat. He’s noticed my exhaustion and surprisingly has been a moral support. I guess my loud obnoxious good mornings diminish into hey, I walk different, I guess my face gives it away too? It’s noticed, it’s weird. It’s appreciated. He’s stressed and concerned about how he’s doing, and he’s trying to get it right. Everyone is stressed, not one person is able to say anything different. I was so tired I had no appetite when I got home but ate a little bit half an hour ago. Today was hard. I don’t know why, I don’t know if it was because yesterday didn’t phase me, and the day before that, like it’s some kind of delayed reaction, or if I’m just tired and worn out today. I just felt like hiding. So then I’ll hide for a day, and if I feel like it tomorrow I’ll do it again.