Yesterday someone who works QA for Google pointed out I listed NIN and Mt Eden under music I enjoyed and mentioned it was uncommon. I never really thought about it until it was mentioned. It’s hard to find people who are eclectic in similar fashion. We went on a spontaneous late lunch / early dinner date. I specified casual, no pressure, I’m not even going to put make up on. We discussed food around the area and picked Zen Curry. I got there and it was super super busy, so I signed in and chilled, then got a table. He texted he was 2 minutes away, then came in and sat down. He was barely audible when he said hello, I could tell he was nervous. Why is everyone always so nervous? I was driving to Zen Curry thinking it’s cool to go eat with a foodie and nerd out. I had to drive the conversation from the beginning, talking about McFadden’s since he was going there later in the day for a going away thing for two coworkers. They were moving to Texas to start a training thing there. We talked about what I did for work, what he did for work, where we were from, food things. He asked if I’d been to a Cuban tapas place on the east side and I hadn’t. He hasn’t checked it out yet and said when he was gonna go he’d hit me up since he doesn’t wanna go alone. That’s cool. The conversation started flowing and I think derping and rambling about nonsense usually helps people… not be all… nervous? I don’t get it. I try really hard not to have RBF and I would imagine I’m approachable if we’ve already had a dialogue about interests and being in the same-ish industry. He said if it wasn’t too forward the invite was open for me to join him at McFadden’s with his group and I said sure.
We chilled at his place around the corner from Chinatown until we went to McFadden’s. He was kind enough to DD. His group was… different. Idk. They seem like a nice group and I’m sure working with them is fun, but it’s not like the dynamic I have with my group, and we’ve had group things at McFadden’s previously so this was weird. A lot of people really suck at giving handshakes even though they’re initiating them. Random observation. Peeps are also kind of arms distance guarded. I’m not used to getting that vibe upon initially meeting people. The other day I stayed at a friend’s house and was told I am hard to read. I said but I’m pretty transparent, and they said “dear, you are transparent on the surface, you are much more complex on the things that really matter.” Or something like that. I know that’s an exact quote before the second comma. They also made the observation that upon meeting someone I can place them very quickly. Which I know is true. They also said something happened to me at some point in my life that was the catalyst for why I do these things, and it’s preservation, and I don’t necessarily know how I do it, I just do. It’s intuition, and it’s been spot on. I think it’s funny this came up days ago since I pretty much knew where I was placing my date when he walked into the restaurant and sat down yesterday. I like him, he’s nice. I will never date him. I would like his friendship and offers of foodie adventures. I started thinking about him as a candidate for a couple spots we have open on the team. Seriously, TSO was all “I need you to find two contractors.” on Friday and I was all well this might be one. He has a background in tech support and is doing QA and auditing and this company has a partnership with Google. I know he wants to move away from QA into a more technical position and he has common sense and I have more faith and interest in him professionally. This was hilarious. At McFadden’s he introduced me to his friend who used to work for Apple and has more of a hardware / tech background. He’s very interested in the company. I told them to email me their resumes. If I get them both, I will print them and hand them to TSO in person on Monday and be like here you go, you wanted two contractors. Then drive over to the building I’m supposed to be at Monday. There’s something about doing it in person that adds to the amusement. Goes out on casual lunch date, comes back with two resumes. Dating is kind of like interviewing. Fuck. Interviewing is kind of like a date to determine if the company likes you, but more importantly if you’re going to like the company.
I was introduced to two chicks who worked at the company, er, kinda introduced myself. It was intermittent between being introduced and going up to people myself. Also, the women have firmer handshakes then the men. Wtf happened. I mean bravo to the women but still. The DJ said it was some chick’s birthday and for the other chicks to go to the bars for free shots. One of the chicks said she wanted another girl to go with her and I said sure and asked the Apple guy if he wanted me shot, he said yeah. We go to the bar and what I didn’t realize was the girls had to get up on the bar and dance. Fml. I already said sure I’d go with her, without. realizing. that. So we’re up on the bar dancing to the shittiest trap and awkward high school reminiscent school dance playlist the DJ could come up with. Either he sucks, or he’s a sadist and he’s doing a great job. Idk wtf I’m doing. I hate the music. I just move and stuff. After terribad sexist bar ritual is over we’re handed blue shots, I take a sip… it’s stupid sweet. It looks like an adios muthafucka but it isn’t. I hand shot to Apple guy. Two guys help me down the bar. Date says he’s calling bs on my earlier statements I don’t know how to dance. I explain I don’t know formal dance, and feel like a fool when I dance anywhere out of my element, but have fun with it.. usually. I can dance in my element, at a goth industrial night. That’s the only time I don’t have to know what I’m doing because it just flows. Anyway, we were going to have a group go next door to Blue Martini but only three of us made it over for hookah and drinks. It was stupid loud and kind of alright so we were trying to figure out the next venue and I found out Scarlet was happening at the Artifice. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a goth night so I mentioned it. We were walking out when Apple guy notices a girl he’s seeing in line to go into the place with another guy. He decides to stay. Date fills me in on drama llama… I think it’s a bad idea, but he decided to stay behind to see what’s going on. Good luck Apple guy.
Other member of our group left with someone else. Plans were falling apart. He was still willing to check out the goth night but I said I didn’t wanna drag him out. He said it was up to me, and I explained I normally would have been asleep by this hour. So we went back to his place and talked for a while. I was trying to sober up but was so tired. He hesitated and finally asked what I was looking for. I said okay that’s an interesting topic and since he brought it up he could start. Then he said no he asked me first… this is a crappy loop I don’t wanna get stuck in. He said stuff I can’t remember, it was vague. I asked him how long he’d been single and he said since April. I asked him how long his longest relationship was and he said like 8 months. I explained technically I’d been single since 2013, emotionally I’ve been single since August 2012.. so three years on the dot now. I called that 2013 blip the one night stand that wouldn’t go away. Very accurate. I also explained how I’ve never taken anything seriously and never looked for anything specific, and haven’t ruled anything out, because as soon as I said I wouldn’t do something, a week later something would happen where I’d want to do the thing I said I didn’t want to do. It’s my life. So I don’t omit anything. He was like, okay so case by case? And I was all yeah! Exactly. He said he was pretty much on the same page but then asked about the potential work thing, like if that means I’m off limits. He then admits the attraction is really strong, at least on his side. I’m having deja vu now. I used TBBT analogy of fwb being ice cream with sprinkles on top. I said look you have a solid thing that’s predictable and you know what to expect from it, and I’m an abstract thing with no promises. I said I never planned on settling roots here and am not in a position emotionally to be with anyone. Then I said if I were you I’d take the money. Go for the linear over the abstract. Idk if that made sense, I said it drunk. Sober… idk if it makes sense. But I hope it got the idea across? He said he was still contemplating which option and was torn, then asked if he kissed me what would happen? I deflected that, and forgot how.
It was super late, he asked if I needed a little sleep before heading home and I said yeah. He said the couch was obviously open and so was his bed. I said well then, we crashed out. He very carefully stayed on his side of the bed, on the edge. I didn’t plan to stay out and hadn’t packed anything so I slept in my clothes. Once of the few times I woke I noticed he was facing me but carefully staying out of my space, another time he was facing his side again. That’s the thing, he was so careful and delicate the couple times he’d place a hand on my back to direct me somewhere, or be friendly, or whatever, there was a complete lack of assertiveness. Which was disappointing. I was talking to work wifey on Friday about her issues on being touched delicately and how it was impacting her relationship. I made the realization after she said it that every time a man has touched me, held me, grabbed me, put his arm around me, whatever, it’s been assertive. It’s not half in, or hesitant. I don’t remember the last time I dealt with this, I’m not even sure I did in high school really. There’s this habit we have to adjust our pace to the person we’re interacting with. When someone pushes you push back. When someone backs off you back off. When someone is delicate and cautious with me, I started to realize my instinct was to be cautious and then I thought wait, that’s not what I normally do, what just happened? It was confusing. It was off putting. I mean, I know this was coming from him being unsure and nervous but that’s just the thing. At my age I don’t have the patience or the desire to teach anyone anything outside of technology.. and maybe origami. But if they’re not there, it’s not gonna happen. He’s a few years younger too, and I was hesitant to meet up but the goal was originally food and conversation. Now he’s apparently really attracted to me and I’m thinking oh honey, you need to move with purpose, and you need someone on your level to help you get there. Or you need to just get there. A string of questions was going through my mind when we were still talking on the couch. I wondered… was I like this at 23? No. 21 even? No. Am I really that intimidating? This still blows my mind. I went on a tangent and just messed up this timeline but don’t really know how to separate everything so I’ll go back to the morning. He was facing away and I thought he’d never get the hint that it’s okay to put his arm around me. I’m cool cuddling with friends. So I thought maybe he’d get it through example and something would click. I snuggled up behind him and put my arm around him. He moved a little and seemed content. Later my other arm was falling asleep and I hugged him and turned to lay on my back. He eventually turned to face me but still kept the same cautious.. I don’t know and I don’t understand because I can’t relate to it. I was finally awake enough to drive home and got up, he woke up and walked me out. I hugged him and he hugged back in a cautious very little movement kinda way. I swear I’m not made of fire.
I feel bad for wifey, when she describes her bf being cautious.. I hope it’s not this bad. I know he’s been out of state for a while because of university and I hope he snaps out of it quickly before she goes crazy. I can’t deal with it. I srsly hope his crush on me diaf soon and we can resume this foodie adventure plan.
Also, I’m so picky I rarely agree to meet anyone, and on the rare occasions I decide to it doesn’t line up. I wish I could word this another way so it didn’t sound extremely arrogant but lately it’s been go hang out with someone, they’re epicly nervous, they’re super attracted to me, I need a crafty way to say I don’t want to date them. I’m about to quit people. I need cats. Nah. I’ll get bunnies.