This already sounds like a thesis. I really don’t know what just happened and I haven’t felt this awkward in a while. Which is impressive, cause I think I’m pretty awkward by default to a degree… usually.. er. I’m not even sure where to start since even though I’ve had these kinds of conversations before this ones different. I mean they’re all different, but still.
Yesterday online a friend linked the article There’s One Post-Sex Problem That Nobody Ever Talks About which I found absolutely hilarious that 1. there is an article on this and 2. that it’s even a thing. A lot of friends chimed in on it with comments ranging from how stupid it was, how stupid people are, to how they handled it personally and what their opinions of it were. Post sex drip is part of the experience and some people are indifferent just dealing with the cleanup while others revel in it and find enjoyment in the proof, in it’s existence. I made a general comment on how I’ve never had any issues here and mentioned post sex exhaustion and the little hilarious run to get to the bathroom before the liquid started to make its way too far down my legs. I called it a win, I said it was kinda hot actually. There was also my comment that I’d probably want a round 2 and part of that inspiration would come from it. What I failed to mention as I thought it was implied online.. was that I am currently single and that I only forgo condoms in committed relationships. This has always been a personal boundary of mine.
So today I get this message: “You have a BF now?!? Wtf” followed by “Lucky guy :)” out of the blue. No idea what prompted this. I said I don’t and now I was confused. He continued by explaining I was talking about whoever I happened to be fucking without a condom regarding an article. He also liked that I posted that and proceeded to ask why didn’t we EVER fuck. Well… now I know what prompted this.. the article I posted yesterday. That was unexpected. Um. He continued to say how he wanted to and how we’ve run into each other on various sites and used to chat at night and had flirted. So this is all true, and I explained how I always bookmark friends I find online. He questioned if this was an illusion. I said no, there was a time where I had wondered but thought he never would have taken me seriously so I kept it to myself and pushed it out of my head. He is the director of procurement at one of my previous companies after all. So now he knew I was single and at one point entertained the idea. This is where it gets awkward-er for me. He said we probably could have kept it cool at work and mentioned some of the rooms in the office and stuff and I was astonished. Not that I have a problem with these concepts or anything but the lack of tact threw me off. I’ve always known him in a professional and then a platonic context. I’m not used to these vulgarities from him, and again it’s not like I have a problem with what was being said, but sometimes it’s not just what you say but how you say it. I entertained this idea years ago briefly. I mentioned how I ended up seeing someone while I was still at that company (they were unaffiliated) and I didn’t flat out say it but I hope it got the message across that I wouldn’t play around while taken, even if that relationship was shitty and shouldn’t have started. I still ended it before doing anything. I’m getting side tracked here.
He apologized and admitted to having his foot in his mouth. I said it was fine since people don’t talk about these things every day. I wonder if I would have looked at this differently if I were still interested. We haven’t spoken much the last couple years. That ship sailed a long time ago for me. And I had no idea he viewed me in this context, I even said so… but if the curiosity were still alive, I think the approach he took would have killed it had it not of already been gone. I think the only reason to bring this up is to make an attempt, and I would have hoped for some class and respect coming from someone of his caliber. I understand people get nervous and these conversations aren’t easy, I’ve tried to carefully respond to confessions many times, especially since leaving Arizona. He was worried I took offense and I said I didn’t. I really didn’t. I think because I can speak so candidly about topics in a general sense, people get the idea I want to be that detailed on a personal level without any established rapport, or start detailing graphic scenarios they’d like to be in with me like I invited it. That really makes me sad. It’s similar to the people who’ve assumed I’m fetish because they’ve seen me in goth attire. I don’t consider myself extremely vanilla, but I am nowhere near lifestyle, and I’m fine calling myself vanilla swirl. This shit is so subjective as fuck with people. I like saying fuck, it’s a great word. There’s a time and place for it, like with everything else. I mean seriously if we haven’t previously established anything please use the term sex instead of fuck or fucking every couple minutes. If you were interested in me, I’m flattered. If we discover that is or was a mutual thing, that’s even better. But the vulgarities are a turn off in this particular topic at this particular juncture. I place people in my life differently and know where I’d like them to be in my life fairly quickly. I um, I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at here. I still like the concept of courting, even if my idea of it is way off from what it was traditionally. Or what I’m getting at is I like the idea of being respectful.. Maybe something like I find you very attractive and next time you’re in town we should get drinks or something other than stuff and things with me being bent over.. whatever. Tact. Doesn’t mean I’d accept those advances but yeah tact. Whatever happened to enjoying time with those you’ve called your friends? Oh… he did say I was super sweet and that he missed having me around.. and he thinks that’s what he was trying to say. I can appreciate that one.
Ramble ramble type type… these get wordy when I have trouble saying things. It’s like maybe they’re getting different thoughts out, or maybe it’s 5 different ways to say the same thing because I’m still coming down from the shock and I hope at least one of those 5 accurately gets my idea out there.