How many times we’ve thought of each other, wanted to text each other, and decided not to bother the other person… around the same time. Does that actually happen? I am obsessed despite keeping myself busy. This is bad. This is just.. I’m so tired and aggravated at myself.
This week has been so physically painful, idk why I had such bad fibro pain this last week and why my stomach has been jacked up. At least I kind of accomplished things and was responsible this weekend, and tomorrow Anne is making some badass fancy as !@#$ dinner and we’re playing Cards Against Humanity.
I’ve studied more math in the last 48 hours than I have in the last decade. Took pretty much all the assessments and did the entrance interview questionnaire thingie, and am only missing the essay exam. My brain hit a brick wall so I decided to eat something and shower, then read some article a friend posted online How To Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are) . There’s this one paragraph in there that really got to me..
“Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.”
I’ve been doing the solo thing officially since 2013. I feel like emotionally I started in 2012.. and officially while still going, emotionally quit sometime last year? lol/cry I’ve fallen into the lonely trap, the convenience trap, the right here and now trap.. the I’ve been in it for almost 4 years trap, and there was the 2013 perfect storm where every aspect of my life is in pieces and the wrong person is here so I went with it trap. It’s all a goddamn trap. Perspectives / live lessons / whatever. It’s been a mission not to fall into another trap or be with someone for the wrong reasons. I don’t have to sleep next to someone, as much as I miss it. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the person who makes my cells dance as Bianca Sparacino put it.
I started catching up on Sailor Moon Crystal. I like Pluto in this one waaay more than the other anime. I like pretty much everything more with the new one, and they did something big that wasn’t in the manga or the og anime and it worked so well. Kind of impressive. Still haven’t done the essay… might just save it for tomorrow. I was thinking of Mel’s wedding this morning while studying and she hit me up a couple hours later asking if I was doing a speech. I warned her I suck at those and was going to wing it if she wanted me to do it, and pray the bar is in full swing and hopefully we’re on or past the champagne by then. She wants it. I’m doing it. Imma wing it. It’ll only be two minutes? It’ll probably be the most trainwreck awesome thing I’ll do this year and I’m terrified and looking forward to it at the same time. Mel said she was gonna cry. I was like.. don’t do it. If she cries I’ll cry. Gdi. We have 8 weeks to go. I can’t believe my sister is getting married in only 8 weeks… September 10th is in 8 weeks right? Aaaand today I’m studying, taking exams, and watching Sailor Moon. I hope we never change on the inside Mel.