It’s 12:58AM on Saturday morning and I just got home. I’ve spent more time in friend’s and loved one’s beds than my own this week, was introduced to this great cafe with the best tea selection and amazing gluten free red velvet cake, got an endorphin high off a massage, and have been dealing with some of the worst pms ever, then the worst pms swings into the worst sex cravings. I’m used to exhaustion, not actual pain. Idk… Apparently my cycle synced back up with the full moon again. One of the things I appreciate about my bc is being able to move around or postpone my periods and this time I didn’t realize I hadn’t put it on the calendar in June so I just enjoyed 5 weeks of… not this. When I realized that Tuesday I was all.. alright maybe I should just suffer through. There were a couple times I postponed these weeks because of when he was in town.. because I could. I mean I can so why not… that and I think it’s kind of funny and awesome science lets me do these things when I want. Uhh yeah, kept messing with it and still ended up back on the moon’s schedule. This is the most I’ve ever written about this ever. I think it’s the only time I’ve written about this ever. Weird. My bits were referred to as my box this afternoon too. I couldn’t stop laughing. Also never used the term bits or box. lol. So…… Anne had people over and made sangria and margaritas, aaaand rock fish and mango salsa for dinner.. I realized after the last ceviche I had.. had mango in it.. maybe I don’t have a mango allergy like I thought I did and something else was bothering me. I’m really really hoping it’s not avocado. I feel like I got two Saturdays this week, and derped around the first one which I desperately needed.
I’m in some really weird mental space right now. It’s been a long time since I got to enjoy the kind of sex where you can laugh and be silly, I mean it should always be fun and happy, but been a while since I could giggle, and laugh, and crack a joke all while being in the middle of everything, and to be 100% there mentally and emotionally. I really missed it, being able to laugh and be playful.. to shake and tremble above him, and I know he gets as much enjoyment out of it as I do. Dammit I wish I had more time on top. Idk why I didn’t think about removing my ring before it hit my cervix. D:< Every time he left Vegas I kept myself occupied by driving to Phoenix, or going to an event, or just not being alone. Usually it’s hard to find that sweet spot in the middle from spending time with friends without burning out or going home and falling into some deep lonely depression. Every time it was time for him to leave for the airport I’ve cried, even after telling myself I wouldn’t. Each time it’s been less and less. I think I’m alright for now.. like despite what very little time there was, and how exhausted we were, we tried to get as much out of that time as possible and for that I am grateful. I feel like I got to get some things off my chest I’d been holding onto for months, filled in some gaps, am better understood, and understand why things happened, and even got to ask some things I wondered in the back of my mind but never thought to vocalize. I can’t wait for round 3… and I’m hoping that’s Defcon week, I’m sure we could fit some time in. I really want to see the pretend angel pdf before then, it’s not just curiosity, I’m wondering if I’d gain some insight from it, and get to see responses from things I’ve said on here previously. I wonder how he’s celebrating bibimbap day. I never got to finish my points or transition when discussing the little bit of history I brought up Wednesday night but we were out too late and fading fast. All we can so is try our best with the circumstances we’re given… I guess. The anger from April is gone. I’m still hurting but not for the same reasons, and it’s not as sharp anymore. It’s dull and faded after the first two rounds. Maybe that’s a little bit of closure.