Monthly Archives: July 2015

I know what it’s like to fall asleep in his arms, to wake up with my head on his chest, and for his heartbeat to be the first sound I hear as consciousness slowly creeps back in. To feel his breath on my skin, and his fingers start to explore me and how I’m wrapped around him as he wakes. To linger in that half asleep state in a twilight haze until the morning light glows behind flowing white curtains. He looks at me and says my name without ever saying a word. It’s felt in his gaze and tight embrace. He holds me and says “I love you” without making a sound, it’s spelled out in kisses down my neck and down my side.  It’s in that twilight haze where we meet in that space. It’s that one file in the archive I’d play and play if I had memories saved in a grain. It’s the lullaby my mind runs through when I lay my head down on my pillow. In that space, when I’m drifting in and out.

… have been interesting.  I’ve been trying to keep moving and stay busy despite the emotional damage I’m doing to myself, or am allowing to accumulate within me.   I mean I’m always busy, but despite running through the day on 5 hours of sleep, which is always a killer, I forced myself back into barre and it was so hard.  Monday is the advanced class and I forgot but I walked in, in the shittiest mood, and walked out almost content, almost happy.  I was destroyed physically but felt like after a hot shower I’d melt into bed.  Then finished the last episode of Humans and called it good.

Today was busy non stop, the rest of the week into next week is going to be non stop.  There is always more work than there are hours to complete them, even at a non stop grinding pace.  Real life feels like more grinding lately than any mmorpg I ever played.  After yesterday’s success I felt bad about not going to barre today but was invited to a developer’s Meetup on phone PIN hacking and it was great.  It was a quick 30 minute talk after work downtown from the CTO of LaunchKey and after I asked my friend from work if she was hungry, she said she already ate but could go for something light.  This was great too because three of our dev engineers were there and I invited them.  They were up for food and beer.  Then I said one sec and went up to the guy who started the Meetup and the guy who spoke this evening and invited them, so everyone who was left walked up the street to Fremont to this new (to me) place someone suggested.  They described it as beer and hipster food, and it was a win.  I’d seen the outside for a year wondering what it was and the inside and back patio were like my thing, I should have checked this out sooner.  So we geeked out over food and drinks talking about other exploits and the companies we worked for, we discussed the con coming up next week and the smaller local one at the beginning of next week, which is apparently like what the main event was like 15 years ago.  I had no idea that existed before today, and am gonna try to squeeze that in if I can pull it off.  He’s spoken at both before but is going for the local one this year, I guess the main event gotten super big and super competitive but it’s still fun, and I have more people to look for next week.  I met so many people last year I have a few groups now.  I always try to get something together and mesh the groups or sometimes I’ll float between them if I don’t feel like doing what group A is going, or maybe group B has drama llama… or whatever.  I don’t feel like it’s worth the energy to go out nearly as much as I used to but on the occasions I do, I love bringing people together who enjoy the same things and have similar interests. Orientation is done and school officially starts Saturday.  And Friday I have the security summit at the innovation center.  The next two weeks will be crazy.

I wasn’t made for grudges, I don’t know how to stay angry because it’s not me, and it’s draining.. but right now a certain level of anger is the only thing keeping me from breaking down and crying and barricading myself at home.

Y’know on that rare occasion where you’re at lunch with colleagues or out somewhere or whatever and you look up and see someone and they have your full attention… and they’re 100% oblivious? That happened today. Tall guy with dark hair… and glasses? That’s cool. But whatever, he had my attention. We were signing our receipts and headed back to the office. Walking out I smiled and he didn’t even turn. It’s cool, I get it, I know I’m short and not that noticeable… even in heels.. even in this dress that shows off my awesome legs.. that’s cool, yo.

Not even 5 minutes later I’m back in the office and Grace says “Look at you! Last time I saw you, you were sitting down but you look great.” I <3 you Grace. Ty for the complement.

I’ve been in more pain lately.  I think it might have been a combination of the sleep deprivation and weather lately.  Right before it rains I hurt so bad, and then it rained, then it got humid and I feel ickky.  I hate the days and weeks that remind me that I have fibro.  I had the worst headache all day and it made everything ache by the afternoon so I got a massage after work… and was getting smacked in the face with endorphins.. and not in the good way.. like kinda good kinda bad.. like that exhausted overslept angry tummy feeling… I think the acid trip dream and the drunk dream are within the same week?  I don’t think I wrote about the acid one cause I couldn’t remember anything about it other than what it felt like.  A few days ago over the weekend, when I woke up and opened my eyes the room was spinning so fast I had to close them and put my hand over my eyes to block the light and stop the spinning.  I made the mistake of turning on my left side and opening my eyes, the room spun again and I could see the wall I was looking at going over my head to my right side.  I knew this wasn’t actually happening but something was wrong with my equilibrium and it was enough to make me worry about insta-vomiting… so I took a few minutes before sitting up and finally getting out of bed…. I didn’t realize all of this had been going on this last week.  By the time I’m out the door I forget about it but these things seem to be stacking, and they’re all different and unusual, and these are all firsts… except the drunk dreaming I think I’ve done it previously except not as exaggerated and bad.  I don’t remember motor skills and functionality being so messed up. lol

The second favorite fwb hit me up he was visiting Vegas in three weeks and I was all good for you, I’m going to a con then, lol.  I think it’s just under three weeks now but whatever.  He was all that sucks and then said perhaps he’ll visit the following weekend.  I’m not nearly as excited about this as I would have been a couple years ago.  Idk, I feel like I’ve been depriving myself lately and that’s silly, and it’s sweet he’d come and visit me.  Seriously, I feel so special when friends come here specifically to see me, not just because they were coming here to party or vacation and I happen to be here so they text me as they’re driving in.

I’m going to face plant into a pillow and hope that when I open my eyes again the pain will be gone. ;w;

“Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being.”

This already sounds like a thesis.  I really don’t know what just happened and I haven’t felt this awkward in a while.  Which is impressive, cause I think I’m pretty awkward by default to a degree… usually.. er.  I’m not even sure where to start since even though I’ve had these kinds of conversations before this ones different.  I mean they’re all different, but still.

Yesterday online a friend linked the article There’s One Post-Sex Problem That Nobody Ever Talks About which I found absolutely hilarious that 1. there is an article on this and 2. that it’s even a thing.  A lot of friends chimed in on it with comments ranging from how stupid it was, how stupid people are, to how they handled it personally and what their opinions of it were.  Post sex drip is part of the  experience and some people are indifferent just dealing with the cleanup while others revel in it and find enjoyment in the proof, in it’s existence.  I made a general comment on how I’ve never had any issues here and mentioned post sex exhaustion and the little hilarious run to get to the bathroom before the liquid started to make its way too far down my legs. I called it a win, I said it was kinda hot actually.  There was also my comment that I’d probably want a round 2 and part of that inspiration would come from it.  What I failed to mention as I thought it was implied online.. was that I am currently single and that I only forgo condoms in committed relationships.  This has always been a personal boundary of mine.

So today I get this message: “You have a BF now?!? Wtf” followed by “Lucky guy :)” out of the blue.  No idea what prompted this.  I said I don’t and now I was confused.  He continued by explaining I was talking about whoever I happened to be fucking without a condom regarding an article.  He also liked that I posted that and proceeded to ask why didn’t we EVER fuck.  Well… now I know what prompted this.. the article I posted yesterday.  That was unexpected.  Um.  He continued to say how he wanted to and how we’ve run into each other on various sites and used to chat at night and had flirted.  So this  is all true, and I explained how I always bookmark friends I find online.  He questioned if this was an illusion.  I said no, there was a time where I had wondered but thought he never would have taken me seriously so I kept it to myself and pushed it out of my head.  He is the director of procurement at one of my previous companies after all. So now he knew I was single and at one point entertained the idea.  This is where it gets awkward-er for me.  He said we probably could have kept it cool at work and mentioned some of the rooms in the office and stuff and I was astonished.  Not that I have a problem with these concepts or anything but the lack of tact threw me off.  I’ve always known him in a professional and then a platonic context.  I’m not used to these vulgarities from him, and again it’s not like I have a problem with what was being said, but sometimes it’s not just what you say but how you say it.  I entertained this idea years ago briefly.  I mentioned how I ended up seeing someone while I was still at that company (they were unaffiliated) and I didn’t flat out say it but I hope it got the message across that I wouldn’t play around while taken, even if that relationship was shitty and shouldn’t have started.  I still ended it before doing anything.  I’m getting side tracked here.

He apologized and admitted to having his foot in his mouth.  I said it was fine since people don’t talk about these things every day. I wonder if I would have looked at this differently if I were still interested.  We haven’t spoken much the last couple years.  That ship sailed a long time ago for me.  And I had no idea he viewed me in this context, I even said so… but if the curiosity were still alive, I think the approach he took would have killed it had it not of already been gone.  I think the only reason to bring this up is to make an attempt, and I would have hoped for some class and respect coming from someone of his caliber.  I understand people get nervous and these conversations aren’t easy, I’ve tried to carefully respond to confessions many times, especially since leaving Arizona.  He was worried I took offense and I said I didn’t.  I really didn’t.  I think because I can speak so candidly about topics in a general sense, people get the idea I want to be that detailed on a personal level without any established rapport, or start detailing graphic scenarios they’d like to be in with me like I invited it.  That really makes me sad.  It’s similar to the people who’ve assumed I’m fetish because they’ve seen me in goth attire.  I don’t consider myself extremely vanilla, but I am nowhere near lifestyle, and I’m fine calling myself vanilla swirl. This shit is so subjective as fuck with people.  I like saying fuck, it’s a great word.  There’s a time and place for it, like with everything else.  I mean seriously if we haven’t previously established anything please use the term sex instead of fuck or fucking every couple minutes.  If you were interested in me, I’m flattered.  If we discover that is or was a mutual thing, that’s even better.  But the vulgarities are a turn off in this particular topic at this particular juncture.  I place people in my life differently and know where I’d like them to be in my life fairly quickly.  I um, I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at here.  I still like the concept of courting, even if my idea of it is way off from what it was traditionally.  Or what I’m getting at is I like the idea of being respectful..  Maybe something like I find you very attractive and next time you’re in town we should get drinks or something other than stuff and things with me being bent over.. whatever.  Tact.  Doesn’t mean I’d accept those advances but yeah tact.  Whatever happened to enjoying time with those you’ve called your friends?  Oh… he did say I was super sweet and that he missed having me around.. and he thinks that’s what he was trying to say.  I can appreciate that one.

Ramble ramble type type… these get wordy when I have trouble saying things.  It’s like maybe they’re getting different thoughts out, or maybe it’s 5 different ways to say the same thing because I’m still coming down from the shock and I hope at least one of those 5 accurately gets my idea out there.

I’ve been consistently… intermittently? … that seems like a contradiction even though it currently makes sense to me… nauseated for at least two weeks now.  I think it’s stress.  No matter what I do or don’t eat.  Or when I do or don’t.  It doesn’t matter.  It’s miserable, and I am so busy that I can’t tell if sometimes it legitimately goes away or if I’m just too busy to notice it.  There are so many progressive things happening, and so many things depressing me, they’re canceling each other out, except there is the excess of the negativity and it’s taking over.

Last year I felt so stagnant professionally it was starting to worry me.  Then I worried it would start effecting the quality of my work and therefore my reputation, so I made the decision that from 9 – 6, since that’s all the time I’m allotted, I wouldn’t just be there physically but would actually be there and be present.  I made the decision to show up every day, mine as well do everything to the best of your ability while you are there anyway.  I’ve been called a mentor, I’ve had insane work (for a 40 hour period) dumped on me, I screamed for overtime to get it done and was denied, somehow still managed to get it done, appreciate those who helped me figure out how to rearrange and redo things to make it possible, and have tried to balance doing well without giving too much of a fuck.. that’s when it gets irritating.  But it’s not my personality to not care in anything I’ve ever done academically, professionally, personal interest, everything.  It’s in direct conflict with myself to not give a fuck.  Otherwise I shouldn’t have any part in it.  Well,  I finally finished the project and a couple people noticed and that was cool.  I finally got some recognition with a few peers, and it used to stress me out that this day hadn’t come.  It came and went yesterday, and I don’t care about that anymore.  I almost feel like I got nominated because my boss felt bad or felt some kind of guilt over other changes that were recently brought to light.

So I decided to shift my focus from work to school.  I felt if I’m running up a hill a work, wow Kate Bush, to distract myself with another pursuit I’ve been wanting desperately.  I went back to work months before I thought my health would allow last year… maybe I can do the same with university.  It’s terrifying.  Every time I’ve tried to push through this one my body has fought against me to the point of almost destroying itself.  I’m not like normal person healthy either, I don’t think it’ll happen, I made peace with it years ago.  But I think now my tolerance for pain and my threshold for activity has gone up.  I’m still walking around fatigued, I just try to hide it better.  Try to take better precautions to do as much as possible in a day without compromising the next.  Sometimes I still fubar that estimate.  I’m being given the impression that what I’ve been doing the last few months has been noticed by people in another office I never see, and that it’s supposedly planting seeds for opportunity in the future and there’s some verbal recognition.  I’m tired of lip service.  I see the illusion, I see the politics even if I don’t know how to play that game.  I don’t want to.  I should have been excited to get the thing I wanted last year.  I’m not.  I should be excited I’m starting university for the first time in 8 years in two weeks.  I’m already exhausted thinking about it.  But I still want it.  How do I have this much energy driving me to obtain goals in two different directions simultaneously when I barely have enough energy to get out of bed in the morning, and it’s a struggle every morning?  One thing I’ve been grateful is at least I already know what I’m doing at work and have established things so it’s not going to overwhelm me and conflict with my studies.  That is a silver lining.  I’m trying really hard here to find those.

Got home a little later than usual today since I had to work with contractors on busted TVs in conference rooms.  They’re fun people, I actually enjoy working with them and don’t mind it, aaand I get to sleep in and go in later tomorrow because of today. Win.  Random news thing in the living room regarding a cap in the state for selling solar freaked out dad.  I explained it was a temp thing and they’re pushing for an extension tomorrow, and it’s not going to kill the industry.  This was a lot of yes but here, have some logic.  This conversation spiraled into a lot of other things like the recall notice on the car we got two weeks after trading it in last year.  Earlier this week we got a post card saying the truck was one of the vehicles with a defect where if the airbag goes off shrapnel hits the occupants.  That is freaking insane.  What else is crazy is even though they offer to repair this at no cost, none of the dealerships have parts ready to fix it.  So we’re waiting on a follow up notice in the mail of when parts will be available to fix the death trap on wheels.  We ended up on a tangent about insurance companies and manufacturers deciding on how many deaths they’re potentially dealing with and the cost of lawsuits and settlements versus recalls, because the bottom line here is always about money, not life.  Two out of the last three cars we’ve had, have been recalled for some crazy life threatening shit.  I really hope my Asian car doesn’t have a homicidal streak like the last two American cars.  Don’t let me down baby.  Somewhere between car recalls and solar we got into how it’s illegal to go 100% off the grid even if you can sustain your property entirely on solar energy, or how it’s illegal to collect rain water, or in some places how you can’t grow your own food.  The one that angers me the most is how it’s illegal to feed the homeless.  That makes me so mad.  People from Occupy would bring food and supplies and give extra to the homeless.  I’ve seen people get yelled at and threatened, I know people who have been maced and arrested for this.  How can people face fines and  potentially jail time for any of the above?  But it’s okay for corporations to not recall lethal products if settlements are more cost effective, even if they’re killing people.  We talked legalities with insurance companies and somehow go to water tables being destroyed by old gasoline tanks and people drinking petroleum.  Famous cases like Erin Brockovich and Pacific Gas and Electric.  Dear lord, the downplaying of Fukushima.  So this is great, tonight my dad randomly mentions the Superfund site for William AFB where I grew up.  I asked him why he never brought it up before tonight and he said it just never came up but look it up.  Threw it into Google and I’m looking at the EPA page on it.  PCE and TCE were discovered in the ground water.  LNAPL “in the form of floating jet fuel and VOSs from disposal of industrial solvents… PCBs, and pesticides form past disposal practices.. etc.”  This stuff was going on while we lived there.    This stuff is crazy.  Earlier today while working on the TVs we were talking about the drought in California and agriculture and almonds.  It apparently takes 1.1 gallons of water to grow a single almond. We Google’d it.  One of the contractors has a major nut allergy, and we were discussing gluten and his household is careful to avoid it since they feel bloaty and terrible when they decide to consume it without thinking about it.  I’m glad I don’t have celiac, but too much exposure still causes flare ups, I hate it.  It’s better to avoid it.  We talked about the documentary Fed Up discussing the World Health Organization‘s daily limit of 25 grams of sugar in a diet, and how even though no more than 10% of someone’s energy should come from sugar, a lot of products go way past the daily limit.  I never even noticed how even though labels give percentages for things like sodium, fats, carbs, protein, etc, there is never a percentage next to sugar.  The food is bad, the land is bad, water is bad, trying to control any of it personally without affecting others is bad.  But if a large corporation or the government does it, it’s hidden, and when it’s exposed it blips in the news and disappears again.  I probably sound like a liberal with a bleeding heart.  I never thought of myself as a hippie, I’m not crunchy.  It’s the lobbying, and money, and corruption, and broken policies that compound that leave me in awe.  I wish more companies like mine would see this and do something about it, instead of continuing to exploit it.  There are far too many.  I consider myself pretty moderate politically.  I am human.  I believe in the human interest.  I guess I’ve been so wrapped up in my personal drama and pain that I needed to focus on other problems that weren’t my own. But this laundry list is the world’s problem.  That didn’t really help divert me from legitimate issues.  I guess these aren’t my problems in the sense that they’re mine alone, those ones seem pretty trivial after all the above. These problems belong to every living breathing person, and every person who has yet to see a sunrise or experience rainfall, or know the warmth, love, and security of a mothers tight embrace.  I am probably a fool, but I hope more people will acknowledge this before we are at the point of no return.

I can’t think.  I can’t brain, this this was really bad because it was really good.  My close gay friend almost made me orgasm by getting into my head.  I can’t remember the last time someone got to me like that with just words… that I wasn’t sleeping with.. but still even then holy hell.  We went to this awesome Chinese / Vietnamese place in Chinatown for dinner and on the drive back started talking about this guy he saw the other night and how it went and we brought up past relationships knowing when they went downhill because sexual frequency went way down.  There were a couple tangents and even though he identifies as gay he’s enjoyed being with women occasionally and has this oral fixation thing where he loves going down on men and women.  Then he randomly asks me if I liked getting my labia sucked.. while. I. was. driving.  Idk.  I never thought of it and I guess my partners never thought of it.  He found this amusing.

I mean, I don’t think and I can’t concentrate.  I get a little weird about this particular topic, and I didn’t go into this in the car, but like… I really enjoy giving, I really really enjoy giving I can relate on that on a high level, but the receiving gets weird.  I have this thing where I have to be right out of the shower and freshly groomed aaaaand even then I’m so sensitive I can’t deal with that much anyway.  For as much as I love it, more than a few minutes kills me.  It’s like enjoying being tickled a certain way or for a short amount of time but any more and it’s too much.  And this is such a weird thing to discuss I just don’t discuss it and I think I’ve made partners assume I don’t dig it previously… I actually have no idea.. and idk how I am on the receiving since I’ve never gotten a review.. I get great feedback on my giving abilities lol.  I’ve wondered how I am, I think everyone does, but I’ve been down women who weren’t fresh and haven’t wanted to repeat with them, and some women even if they’re clean just might have stronger scents and depending on how our chemistry will mesh we may or may not enjoy it.  That concerns me.  It kind of did back when I used to smoke weed at night years ago.  I never heard this personally but I remember someone telling me they went down on a woman and knew she smoked because of how she tasted… and it wasn’t pleasant.  This whole thing actually isn’t gender specific, I just experience it as a chick.. Whatever.  I’m rambling.  I can’t remember the last time someone went down on me and I think it was last year but I have a terrible memory as it is and despite that I’m kinda sad it’s that infrequent… even if I can only handle it for a few minutes.  Maybe I flail and twitch too much.  I feel like when it builds up too much I have to fight some auto struggle reflex and sometimes I’ve gone numb and it’s waaay too much.  So, he was like when things happen I should just shove their head down and wrap my legs around and I was like noooo, when I’ve been in scenarios where both parties are tired and under time constraints or I had to convince someone sex was okay, just getting that far I can’t even imagine asking.. for uhh… yeah.. well.  And he was like okay then be all you can’t go in until you go down, and my respond was nooooo!!!  Cause then I’d only feel like I’m depriving myself then, because I really really really do enjoy everything else.

But the uhhh, the conversation in the car.  So we’re both people persons and he likes to see how people think and how they work, and one of his curiosities is how they are in bed.  Which I find hilarious, I mean I’m a very curious person.  He made a general statement and then followed up saying I was curious and asked if I wanted to know what he’d hypothetically do and I said sure.  He said he knew he’d blindfold me and tie my hands up, and my eyes got really big and he was all like no you can still move them they’d just be tied together, and he’s big into sensory deprivation and I told him I don’t really have experience in that.  I’m actually a little apprehensive about it.  He said it heightens the other senses and to think of it like getting a massage except you can’t see what’s going on and you can feel the sensations on your back more.  That doesn’t sound bad.  This feels a little deceptive though.. potentially.  He then said he’d do his thing and talked about some game he plays with his tongue.  Oh and he has a Wartenberg wheel and I was like ohhh heeeeey so do I.  And toys are fun yaaay.  I’m rambling / typing bits of dialog but my brain ran with it while I was driving home and omfg.

How many times we’ve thought of each other, wanted to text each other, and decided not to bother the other person… around the same time.  Does that actually happen?  I am obsessed despite keeping myself busy.  This is bad.  This is just.. I’m so tired and aggravated at myself.

This week has been so physically painful, idk why I had  such bad fibro pain this last week and why my stomach has been jacked up.  At least I kind of accomplished things and was responsible this weekend, and tomorrow Anne is making some badass fancy as !@#$ dinner and we’re playing Cards Against Humanity.

I’ve studied more math in the last 48 hours than I have in the last decade.  Took pretty much all the assessments and did the entrance interview questionnaire thingie, and am only missing the essay exam.  My brain hit a brick wall so I decided to eat something and shower, then read some article a friend posted online How To Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are) .  There’s this one paragraph in there that really got to me..

“Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.”

I’ve been doing the solo thing officially since 2013.  I feel like emotionally I started in 2012.. and officially while still going, emotionally quit sometime last year? lol/cry I’ve fallen into the lonely trap, the convenience trap, the right here and now trap.. the I’ve been in it for almost 4 years trap, and there was the 2013 perfect storm where every aspect of my life is in pieces and the wrong person is here so I went with it trap.  It’s all a goddamn trap.  Perspectives / live lessons / whatever.  It’s been a mission not to fall into another trap or be with someone for the wrong reasons.  I don’t have to sleep next to someone, as much as I miss it.  There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the person who makes my cells dance as Bianca Sparacino put it.

I started catching up on Sailor Moon Crystal.  I like Pluto in this one waaay more than the other anime.  I like pretty much everything more with the new one, and they did something big that wasn’t in the manga or the og anime and it worked so well.  Kind of impressive.  Still haven’t done the essay… might just save it for tomorrow.  I was thinking of Mel’s wedding this morning while studying and she hit me up a couple hours later asking if I was doing a speech.  I warned her I suck at those and was going to wing it if she wanted me to do it, and pray the bar is in full swing and hopefully we’re on or past the champagne by then.  She wants it.  I’m doing it.  Imma wing it.  It’ll only be two minutes?  It’ll probably be the most trainwreck awesome thing I’ll do this year and I’m terrified and looking forward to it at the same time.  Mel said she was gonna cry.  I was like.. don’t do it.  If she cries I’ll cry.  Gdi.  We have 8 weeks to go.  I can’t believe my sister is getting married in only 8 weeks… September 10th is in 8 weeks right? Aaaand today I’m studying, taking exams, and watching Sailor Moon.  I hope we never change on the inside Mel.

Your song was Sakura Nagashi,  mine was always Final Distance.

https://youtu.be/_6Y6CsnFw44

Watching Humans episode 4 online and thinking about you.

There are some protected posts listed under the venting category, I decided to consolidate them under the same password.  You know it too btw, if you were ever wondering.

I feel like typing a bunch of random ish for no reason.. because I can.  I have a feeling this could be lengthy nonsense.  Idk if these things get long because I type fast or because my mind doesn’t shut up.  Or both.

So I feel like I won the internet today, and all offline.  There were three flood rescues today, two roll over accidents off Summerlin Parkway, and I wasn’t part of any of that!  I seriously feel bad for everyone who was, I’m just glad I wasn’t.  The airport was shut down and the manhole covers around Valley View and Desert Inn are floating away in the streets.  Those things are heavy!  What if they hit someone or a car or something.  After parking under an overpass for a while I realized the water level wasn’t going down so I exited the freeway at Cheyenne and took that to the 95 to get home.  Less downhill, less water, the storm was already moving SE by then.  I have a great photo of this rain cloud pouring over where I live from where I work before I headed home.  And then I got home and immediately shoulder checked the staircase going into the living room.  I run into walls and trip over nothing.  But I’m so good in a car… which the exception of that one time on Sahara rd on the way to a Korean restaurant I don’t want to think about or ever acknowledge.. but besides that I’m good.  I mean if I had to pick I’d rather leave it the way it is.  Car is good, people are safe, I’m a hazard to myself walking around.  Call it good.

When I got settled in I showed mom this meme online that said something like “To my children, never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff.  I taught you how to use a spoon.”  This is accurate.  I’ve never made fun of mom for computer stuff.  I just help her happily.  She started laughing and then I learned about how when I was a baby I had some hatred for spoons.  I had no idea.. and that’s weird. These stories always end with “you were so stubborn.”   Well where do you think it came from? ._.  oww I just hit my knee on the desk while typing this out.

I have a headache.  I got to start enjoying a new supply of estrogen this morning and thought that would help but oww my face.  I wanted to sleep all day after this weekend but responsibilities.  Today actually wasn’t that bad.  Got a lot done.  Went to lunch with a friend at work but things got scary cause something happened to some girl sitting a couple booths away and they called paramedics.  Idk what happened, we were done with our lunch hour and were leaving.  I hope everything worked out there.

Anyway,  I’ve been obsessing over BoA’s 8th Korean album Kiss My Lips.  For the last few years she was putting out amazing work in Japan and her Korean fans were like.. heeey… what about us?  Don’t you love us anymore?  She does.  She. Really. Does.  omfg. Copy & Paste was a great album too but this.  The entire thing is perfection. There is no bad track.  There is no filler.   It made the Billboard’s top 10 world albums.  I was blasting it from Koreatown to Little Tokyo, it makes the drive in the storm better.  The entire thing is like my life lately, the last year.  It’s so up and down and emotional, especially this one song in the track list.  It’s officially the theme of adult Suejung.  Nothing fit for a long time because this hadn’t come out yet. lol  I haven’t seen the video for the first song on the album Kiss My Lips, and was like damn BoA and I are getting older.  But we both still look really good it’s okay.  We’re like a year and a half apart, I remember this cause her birthday is super close to my 1st boyfriend’s in high school.  I really don’t know how I feel about this video.  I’m used to seeing her dance and she dances really well, but this videos… super American in a not good way?  Idk.  Maybe I’ll like it tomorrow if I have an open mind on what to expect.  Who Are You had a super cute video.  So much Samsung product placement.  Everyone in the US has Apple.  All the Koreans got Samsung lol.  This album was the best purchase in a while.

I keep pretending to start university and then my schedule goes lol jk jk.  I was all okay do I wanna start at the beginning of August?  No? Defcon?  What about September then.. No?  Maid of honor at a wedding?  October?  ._.

I read the thing, I had to read it more than once.  And was confused that it just stopped.  And then open this up on one monitor and have it on the other to try and piece together timelines.  That was interesting to figure out.  I have so many things to ask and say.. but I feel like I can’t do it online. It’s not right.  I mean okay I can ask two things cause they’re not important and it’s curiosity but like the rest, the rest isn’t okay electronically.  BoA, and cons, and university.  I didn’t age the last decade.  It was like on the radio I was streaming from AZ today, Fitz was talking about how Smashing Pumpkins and Marilyn Manson are touring together, Jurassic World just came out, Terminator just came out, there’s Bush vs. Clinton in the campaigns so it’s all like the 90’s again.  Weird. I want to stand under hot water for a bit.  I’m out.

It’s 12:58AM on Saturday morning and I just got home.  I’ve spent more time in friend’s and loved one’s beds than my own this week, was introduced to this great cafe with the best tea selection and amazing gluten free red velvet cake, got an endorphin high off a massage, and have been dealing with some of the worst pms ever, then the worst pms swings into the worst sex cravings.  I’m used to exhaustion, not actual pain.  Idk…  Apparently my cycle synced back up with the full moon again.  One of the things I appreciate about my bc is being able to move around or postpone my periods and this time I didn’t realize I hadn’t put it on the calendar in June so I just enjoyed 5 weeks of… not this.  When I realized that Tuesday I was all.. alright maybe I should just suffer through.  There were a couple times I postponed these weeks because of when he was in town.. because I could.  I mean I can so why not… that and I think it’s kind of funny and awesome science lets me do these things when I want.  Uhh yeah, kept messing with it and still ended up back on the moon’s schedule. This is the most I’ve ever written about this ever.  I think it’s the only time I’ve written about this ever. Weird.  My bits were referred to as my box this afternoon too.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  Also never used the term bits or box.  lol.   So……  Anne had people over and made sangria and margaritas, aaaand rock fish and mango salsa for dinner.. I realized after the last ceviche I had.. had mango in it.. maybe I don’t have a mango allergy like I thought I did and something else was bothering me.  I’m really really hoping it’s not avocado.  I feel like I got two Saturdays this week, and derped around the first one which I desperately needed.

I’m in some really weird mental space right now.  It’s been a long time since I got to enjoy the kind of sex where you can laugh and be silly, I mean it should always be fun and happy, but been a while since I could giggle, and laugh, and crack a joke all while being in the middle of everything, and to be 100% there mentally and emotionally.  I really missed it, being able to laugh and be playful.. to shake and tremble above him, and I know he gets as much enjoyment out of it as I do. Dammit I wish I had more time on top.  Idk why I didn’t think about removing my ring before it hit my cervix.  D:<   Every time he left Vegas I kept myself occupied by driving to Phoenix, or going to an event, or just not being alone.   Usually it’s hard to find that sweet spot in the middle from spending time with friends without burning out or going home and falling into some deep lonely depression.  Every time it was time for him to leave for the airport I’ve cried, even after telling myself I wouldn’t.  Each time it’s been less and less.  I think I’m alright for now.. like despite what very little time there was, and how exhausted we were, we tried to get as much out of that time as possible and for that I am grateful.  I feel like I got to get some things off my chest I’d been holding onto for months, filled in some gaps, am better understood, and understand why things happened, and even got to ask some things I wondered in the back of my mind but never thought to vocalize.  I can’t wait for round 3… and I’m hoping that’s Defcon week, I’m sure we could fit some time in.  I really want to see the pretend angel pdf before then,  it’s not just curiosity, I’m wondering if I’d gain some insight from it, and get to see responses from things I’ve said on here previously.  I wonder how he’s celebrating bibimbap day.  I never got to finish my points or transition when discussing the little bit of history I brought up Wednesday night but we were out too late and fading fast.  All we can so is try our best with the circumstances we’re given… I guess. The anger from April is gone.  I’m still hurting but not for the same reasons, and it’s not as sharp anymore.  It’s dull and faded after the first two rounds.  Maybe that’s a little bit of closure.

I want the pdf.

Edit: Thank you.