I haven’t been home much this weekend and haven’t slept much, it’s been little naps here and there. I don’t blog the dailies like I used to years ago and it feels like mundane events aren’t worth going over, but I’ve read back on some entries that are almost a decade old now and remembered exactly what was going through my head then, how I felt, how I reacted and later how I got out of it.. how the dust settled. All that. I try to remind myself that most issues won’t matter in a couple months, and you are untouchable by almost every issue by the time a year has passed.
I had a Vegas morning when I woke up. I think this is probably the 3rd but I can only really remember one time before in 2012. I tried to figure out what qualified as a “Vegas morning” and it’s the morning after, where you wake up and get in your car and it’s bright. This is the only time in a long time I didn’t have sunglasses on me, I expected to be home before 4am. But it’s bright, the sun is up, the lights are off or dim, and you see the city for what it is. It’s just these ridiculous buildings, and these ridiculous people. I’ve called it superficial and vapid for a long time. I’ve seen people at slots, playing video poker at the bar, and they look anything but happy. I’ve never cared for casinos, some might be a little more tolerable than others. Everyone at this hour is exhausted, it’s 9am and they’re checking out. It’s the worst time to be alone, a Vegas morning is painfully lonely without the company of a friend or a companion.
Earlier this week my favorite fwb from Phoenix said he’d be in town with a group of friends for a bachelor party and he wanted to catch up. I wasn’t expecting anything, we hadn’t seen each other in two and a half years. Friday night I found them at Culinary Dropout and made fun of them for going to Culinary Dropout at the HRH since there’s one in Scottsdale, which is like coming here and going to Cornish Pasty Co since they were founded in Tempe. They were all yeah we’ve been there but we like the fondue so we’re here. It’s the only thing I liked on the menu when I went to the one in Scottsdale years ago. That place tries to be high end while cutting corners, but that’s another story. This one wasn’t bad, there was live music, I actually walked up to the bar and got an angry orchard to drink while I awkwardly walked around looking for them… trying to be less awkward because alcohol. They were all cool, and Eric kept asking me where to go, what’s fun, I have to know cause I’m a local. I was all look, I am still a Phoenix native, I still say I’m from Phoenix whenever I get asked where I’m from. Whatever. I suggested Fremont with Container Park in mind, the bars are more casual, my favorite Mexican food is nearby, they wanted to walk the strip. I warned them walking from the HRH to the strip was longer than the entire length of Mill Ave and they were all okay, by the time we got there they were like oh !@#$. The groom was not interested in anything stereotypically Vegas, no strippers, gambling was meh, alcohol was sure. They asked me where would I take a 13 year old girl to impress her, that’s what Chad would be into. I said Chinatown Mall where all the Hello Kitty stuff was. They were walking north towards the Venetian, I discovered the groom played DDR and was very arrogant about his skillz. I drunk challenged him to DDR and he said he’d won, I said I’d kick his ass, then mentioned Gameworks at Town Square.. we’d been walking in the opposite direction. We took a bridge across the street to the Cosmo and went up to Holstein’s for alcoholic milkshakes. They took forever. Then they listened to my idea of fireball and DDR and we took a cab to Gameworks. They closed at 1am. We were all wtf. Went to McFadden’s, they were charging a cover. WTF. Double Helix was closed, we drank at Yardhouse. Went back to HRH and chilled then I left. Didn’t get home until 4am, I was so tired.
Saturday I slept in and watched Private Practice on Netflix. Texted Matthew and he was indirectly back and forth about hanging out even though everyone was all I should come back and go to the pool party at Rehab. Later he texted explaining Eric got blackout drunk because him and his wife were separating and some lady called him to inform him her husband was sleeping with his wife. His primary focus the entire trip was going wherever there were pretty girls. He asked me where my single girlfriends ended up, I said Palazzo in Phoenix and Rogue in Scottsdale. He asked where in Vegas, I said idk it’s the strip so a club? Oh yeah at the Cosmo he was listing things and alt and goth came up so I pulled a before and after pic I had when I goth out. Now it’s like super saiyan levels. That pic on the right was super saiyan lever 4. That night I was at level 2. Now it’s a running joke. Anyway, Saturday Matthew had to clean up behind him when he was hitting on chicks and shoulder checking guys. He was verbally threatening others and himself, later he passed out and peeps were taking turns watching him. Then I got a text saying he didn’t want to lead me on, and I was all what? So I reminded him I wasn’t expecting anything, but this was weird since the previous night his hand was on my back or hip, it was subtle, it sent a message. I’m pretty sure my body language responded. I decided to take myself on a date and got Hawaiian fusion tacos then went to see Ex Machina. I used to go to movies with friends all the time and maybe saw two in 2013, or one in 2013 and one in 2014? Ex Machina looked so good it was worth going out to watch instead of just downloading it. It was really worth it. It’s a Black Mirror episode in a full length movie. After the movie I texted Matthew and he said they were on the floor gambling. I found them at the bar and got wine, we stood around discussing plans. We took group photos, Eric wanted a photo with this hot stripper behind him, I took photos and she posed. She was super nice, she had mad skills and was up to the ceiling doing nifty things. I tipped her and she hugged me and said my dress was gorgeous. They finally listened to my idea about going to Fremont, we got in a limo and when we got to the street he said everything on Fremont was closed by 2am. I was suspicious since it was Saturday night.. but I ran into this last night…. I asked if Insert Coin and The Griffin were down, or the Fremont street experience, he said the lights were off. Eric opened his mouth about strip club and they mentioned Sapphire. Oh em jee. We ended up going, I felt so bad for the groom. He’d rather drink and game, I think most of us felt that way but we were doing bachelor Vegas thanks to Eric. The driver mentions how he thinks there are male dancers so there’s something for everyone and I was all it’s all good, I’m bi. He said he’d get us there for free and have HRH pay for it and then get us in without cover so we’d only have to deal with the two drink minimum.. because I’m bi. Everyones happy. I don’t get it. The place is loud, and huge, and stupid. It’s like walking into a club, like a dance club, except it’s majority spectators and topless dancers. They were saying earlier how they weren’t into clubs… well… this isn’t much different. I go to the bar and use a drink ticket for wine. For once in my life I have cash on me and this one curvy stripper is on the stage so I walk right up and tell her she’s beautiful. She says I’m beautiful and I tip her then she gropes my rack. I decided this was a lot like my 21st birthday except I’m too sober for this and walk away. We scored a couple seats and chilled at the bar watching the stage. Ken and I found Matthew but we were separated from everyone else.
This is where shit gets real. I asked Matthew what was going on with his text earlier and his leading on comment since it didn’t make sense to me. He explained how he’d been seeing this girl off and on for a while, and their dynamic, and how her mom really never took care of her, and she needed a place so she’s been staying with him. She works in hospice and it’s a really hard job and he’s been a support for her, and she’s been a support for him, she’s been a sounding board for him. He very honestly described a codependency without using that term. He was very honest about what he was in and said he couldn’t see himself being with her forever but wasn’t sure what he was doing at the time. I told him that first of all we’ve always been no strings attached. I asked him if he remembered how I approached him and he said yeah and that I was very brave. lol. I told him its been two and a half years since we’d seen each other and I would have expected him to go on and do other things, and that I’ve done quite a bit myself. We’ve always been a no strings thing and we ended up being friends, that was icing. I have no expectations, and I wanted to come hang out whether sex was involved or not, and no matter what happens, in the end everything is going to work out. I think he knows inside what he wants but he’s not ready to pull the trigger with her because it’s going to be messy. He hugged me and said I was such a good friend, and I’m too sweet. He said I was too sweet via text earlier. During most of the evening his hands were wandering my back and hips, and he was massaging my neck and shoulders… so now that I had this information the words and actions not lining up made sense. I actually felt bad about our physical interactions no matter how subtle, they were will suggestive. I was thinking about her in his home in Scottsdale. Even if she’s bad for him, he should end it with her and not lead her on. This has nothing to do with me, I don’t have anything invested. He would kiss my neck or my cheek, I couldn’t kiss him back. It wasn’t in me. We finally left and I was drunk, it was way past my intended exit time. I crashed out in the room, woke up at 9, drove home.. Vegas morning…
This morning I was… not hurt. That’s too strong. I don’t even know if I want to say disappointed. We’re on fb and he’s never mentioned her once, she doesn’t come up. We’d been hanging out all weekend and I hear about her at 4am in a strip club while his hands are all over me. We’ve invested into a friendship, not love. I don’t understand why people finally disclose things when they do, when they’re already caught up in something. We’ve been affectionate but never romantic. I never fell in love with him, I know that’s mutual. We’ve been able to chill and drink or grab food, and I never tried to separate him from his group, so I don’t understand why his on again off again gf didn’t come up until this morning. Sure I knew him before he met her but I’d rather he do things right for his sake and for hers. I’ve walked out of every relationship when I got to the point where I saw it was only downhill from where we were. If I was interested in someone else, casual or otherwise, I knew it was time to go. I’ve never cheated on a significant other, I’ve been the other woman once now, and I’m still figuring that out. Is there something about me where men are in some terrible relationships and they see me as a temporary escape and things are fine and then later they’re like now is the time to drop the bomb on me? I don’t know what that says about me. I don’t want to be some escape for people who are unable to deal with their lives because they’re so terrible but they’re unwilling to change their situation for the better. I was wondering on the drive home if the guy I hooked up with in 2012 had a gf back home in the UK. I will never know. I hope not.