I guess I was at home only the layout was way different and roomier. We’d been talking about a bunch of random stuff and I was kind of in my own little world? Laying on my tummy on the floor, black hair in my face (my dreams haven’t adjusted to the lighter hair yet). You moved my hair out of my face to kiss me and it made me happy but I was all awkward. It was late, we had a bunch of fluffy blankets on the ground like a pillow fort and a futon in front of the tv. New Archer was going to come on and you said oh then you could rest for now and rolled to face away from the light from the tv. I went to cuddle you then thought I should go upstairs and find pjs. I also thought what if mom came home early, they’d left for the summer. We already killed the lights so I’d pull the covers above us, she’d think its just me and go upstairs. I never knew what day she’d return from San Diego.
When I scooted close to put my arm around him I looked up and thought wow, he really is the most gorgeous individual I’ve ever met. It’s everything, it’s more than the superficial, it’s his mind, what he thinks, his preferences. It’s what we’ve gotten right, what we’ve done wrong, our flaws, our histories, what we’ve made it through, all these things that make us who we are. That’s what makes us as individuals amazing. Even in dreams one internal, silent little wow encompasses all that. Even when I move forward with reality, my dreams struggle to let go, instead they hold on as tight as possible, fighting my will to adjust. 2014 was celibate up until a one night stand with a friend, and celibate through the end of the year until I fell into some unintentional monogamy. I think that’s warped me, made it a little harder, but even in dreams I think the world of him. That’s cool but, just chill brain. It’s so weird, in dreams I know, I don’t know, but I know it’s like I could blink and he’s gone. It’s almost like an abandonment fear. I’ve never had abandonment issues in my life, with anyone. It’s usually been me who walked and I’ve always been very up front about doing it.
Later in the dream I went upstairs to go through my closet and saw a bunch of stuff hanging up I didn’t recognize only to realize later they came with other things. The room was wrecked and I was trying to figure out what happened. There were pins on the bed with a card from Aaron which freaked me out. I thought about moving to San Francisco, I could make it there, find another company, I wasn’t sure what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to, but I think it was to myself, cause I’m dumb. I have dumb moments. Then I was in some store and these kids rushed by. I walked out to the street and was with Angela going over pics from a previous trip where the streets were flooded and we were there and there were other random pics I can’t remember. We were near union square. I walked into a market and there were all kinds of random foods. I was walking through an aisle to find someone I was with and this lady I’m passing points out this display with a bunch of tea, I said it’s not what I’m looking for thinking mint tea doesn’t sound bad. I look at it and it’s spearmint. I feel like an asshole. Then I think that’s not what I want though…so am I thinking peppermint?
I heard the loud one exclaim down the hall you’d be back in a week yesterday. He sounded excited.