My throat is burning so bad, so effen bad. The last couple days were epic fatigue and that general feeling of ick, but dear lord that throat burning started this afternoon and errmahhgerrrrr. Terrible irritated burn it feels like I gargled glass and my face hurts and I feel gross so I think I look gross and everything is just bad. I can’t tell if I feel bad because I’m sick, or if I’m getting sicker because I feel bad right now. Sleep has been so bad, waking up coughing, I wake up remembering snippets of dream but it’s more effort than it’s worth to try and remember, and they weren’t interesting enough to try. I remember my ex being in my dream this morning and I was annoyed. That’s all I can remember… and today kicked my ass, just the sheer volume of all the things. Not like it’s complicated, it’s just volume.
Work wifey was kind enough to let me vent over dinner about my professional concerns, being stagnant, and despite dealing with necessary tasks… being irritated because I undervalue them over other work I’ve done previously that has since been delegated, and I get it’s because of company need.. but I’m starting to worry if I undervalue the work I do, despite it’s necessity, I’m wondering if my colleagues do too. She very gently pointed out I’ve been saying similar things since December, and this isn’t new but she thinks it’s escalated recently… she says I’m bored… and I thought if I have this lull at work maybe I could take it as an opportunity to start pushing with university again.. since my professional life isn’t trying to burn my face off. My foundation was all on the job, I’m used to sink or swim trial by fire growing pains and what I’m doing now is administrative, there is rarely a need for technical skill.. and when there is it’s because someone else effed it up. Whatever. Oh, and I’ve been typing falling all day every day recently. I’m just frustrated by everything, by all the things. I know if I don’t move forward I fall behind, that’s the nature of this game, this industry. I’m too Asian for this falling behind nonsense.
This is great too, she knows how crash and burn my last interview was. I thought it was funny the best and worst interviews I’ve ever done were three weeks apart. I couldn’t even process it for days, I was still smoldering from embarrassment, and I kind of knew I should have bailed like I wanted to, and I knew should have. just. not. started this. at. all… but curiosity, I felt like it backfired here, and I am so grateful I had that space to leave the office and hit the off button on professional life and just resume not-professional-life(?) and not die over and over in my head. I mean I actually learned a couple things. I learned a couple things that apply currently, and I learned a couple things for the future, but I’ll never put myself in this position again. I was just thinking of that thing I saw online that said something like “I never fail, I succeed or I learn.” I actually learned stuff while I was dying in a chair, it was straight input while my output was corrupt. I know the situation was overwhelming for me, I knew everyone, it was awkward, who I was in the room with, where I was earlier… it’s the context, the formality, and the circumstance, so many awkward things colliding together, and my brain just took it and ran with it. I feel like the content I brought, when I could get something out, was almost decent.. but the execution was horrendous. FFS I haven’t seen a host file since I worked for a web hosting company years ago, and that only came up once. I feel like the biggest disappointment to three friends who expected so much better, and deep down I already knew it was a disaster. I tried hitting up one of them a couple times online to see if we’re still chill but got nothing, but they’re afc anyway so idk why they show as online. I think I just got disowned. I worry this discredits me professionally where I am, which makes me sad because I still know things. I swear to god I still have a brain even if it didn’t show up and I choked. I still like this company and the people but maybe I shot myself in the foot. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m sick and I’m tired. I’m still capable of sophisticated and meticulous work. I always want my reputation to be associated with skill, and intelligence, and ability. I’ve been burning out for a while, I feel like I’ve been relegated to lesser things, I don’t even know how to word this, this is a lot of venting for not knowing how to word something.
There were times where I was concerned I was devalued because I’m doing “women’s work.” There are certain industries like tech and medical that are male dominated, and then there are industries like education where women are a larger demographic, and industries that are dominated by women are looked at, by both men and women, as less valuable. Then they look at a highly valued profession, like the medical field, and look at the different experiences doctors have had based on their gender. Statistically doctors who are women were spoken over by their peers and their patients. Their patients questioned their practice, diagnosis, and prescriptions more than their male counterparts. It’s how society is wired. I’m not a raging feminist, I’m not saying I’m dealing with work related issues in my current role due to my gender, I’ve dealt with it at previous companies, but I can look at that and see it happening indirectly since I work in a male dominated industry. I could do the exact same thing as a coworker, and my troubleshooting or work could be second guessed because of who I am, and it probably isn’t even a conscious decision. It’s part of why I push really hard to be reliable and accurate. I mean work ethic is fantastic too and it’s there, but I think it’s harder to repair your image in this aspect as a woman. So the work I do is already at risk for being undervalued because of who I am, and then I look at what I’ve actually been doing compared to what I was a few months ago.. and think oh shit. Was I handed this because they just want to keep me right where I am? She’s right that I’m bored, but taking all these other factors into consideration is unsettling.
I die. I die now.