I thought I should start off by saying two nights ago I had a dream my gaming laptop died. Like I noticed on my second monitor some weird distortion happened but the HDMI cable was still connected and saw the effen motherboard flea light having a seizure through the keyboard / touchpad palmrest while the fans sped up and got loud and I tried to shut it off because I thought malware was screwing it up so bad it was infecting machine code and destroying hardware.
The purpose of this blog was for recording dreams after all.. and didn’t intend to use it for so much heart broken teenage venting. I wish these dreams weren’t the stress dreams they’ve been recently, especially stress dreams with you. I want more fun dreams, the crazy imaginative fluffy dress and crazy fantasy sci fi kinda dreams and tokidoki and hello kitty and all things goth and twisty and spooky and funny, twins, masquerades, beautiful buildings I’m not sure exist in real life, the ones with love and laughter… just not with you. I don’t know if those ones hurt more than the ones with you that are serious. I can’t lie there with you and squeeze you tight just to wake up alone anymore. I cried so much, I’ve never cried so much for so long before in my life. Not when Robbie or James killed themselves, not when I left Jay.. probably not as much throughout that entire relationship.. or when my two social circles, my support networks, dissolved at the same time and I was alone. But I wasn’t really alone, I found out who really mattered to me, and who I really mattered to. I’m trying to remember that right now, since I feel so very alone while I sit here.
“Until I’m strong enough or until something gives, I can’t change.” I can’t understand. I can’t understand why you won’t allow me to be strong enough for us until you get there. I’m not even sure if it would be you changing, or just what you’re willing to deal with. You’d willingly pass on the risk of discovering something possibly amazing for something not amazing. You and I are amazing, your words. I have always taken risks that I saw great potential in, and sometimes I needed blind faith, at least now I have concrete data, and usually my intuition was right. I’ve been wrong, I’ve been burned, I learned to not compromise on things I did when I was younger. But it’s through that trial and error, and suffering, and joy, that I learned to keep taking risks because the gains outweighed the losses more than you could ever imagine. You say we have much in common, and I guess people who know us agree with that. I think at some point you would have taken a big risk with me, the way I want to with you, because we won’t know if we don’t look. But somewhere you lost that. Just given your history, I think you used to be that person, and maybe I was just foolishly hoping that person was still there and would be willing to take my hand. You’re forever responsible for what you’ve tamed.. you must me talking about yourself.
It’s not my job to change your mind, it never was, and it never should be. It never should be anyone’s. I can argue fact but I can’t argue opinion or belief, and you’ve already made up your mind. Your responses are an indirect yes to my question, that you have truly dedicated the rest of your life to how things are, and I am mad. Don’t mistake that for hate, because it’s not. I am mad that you’re willing to settle, mad that you’re willing to stay unhappy, willing to continue lying. Angry that I can’t be strong for us until you’re there. Your unwillingness to answer directly is not a lack of an answer, it’s a lack of willingness to follow through. There is no right or wrong one, words should just follow through with actions. I am a weak person physically, much better than I was just a year ago, and waaaay better than I imagined 5 years ago. This is the strongest I’ve been physically as an adult and I’m still pushing for better. But I am still strong mentally, and I’m bruised pretty bad right now but I am still strong emotionally. I wouldn’t have made it this far otherwise. I don’t care if somewhere down the line we fail, I can say at least I tried. And omg think of the dread and terror, what if everything actually worked out in the end? Scary isn’t it?
I felt stupid because I kept seeking answers despite how much I hurt inside. I don’t feel stupid anymore because I stayed true to myself no matter how much it hurt to say where I was at, or to ask hard questions. You wanted to know what changed, the only thing that changed was the pain and loneliness became unbearable. I started resenting the situation I’d let myself fall into, I started to resent you, to resent myself. I’d rather not do any of that. I’d rather not believe we’re stupid enough to sit here wanting to die because we’re sad over each other.. because that’s a super easy fix. 1. be together, or, 2. say with absolute authority you’re content with where you are. I know we’ll hurt until we’re properly defined. Neither of us want to remain here.
Oh god, this freaking show, it really makes you think, and I generally like that, but not right this second. !@#$%^ White Christmas, if people weren’t liars, or if they weren’t afraid to try for what they wanted. That chick should have left that guy before she cheated on him with the Asian guy. He went crazy thinking he was blocked from her and a child that wasn’t even there’s, and then he killed her father after she died and that’s indirectly her fault like 15%.. dude fucked up but still that whole thing, years of suffering, could have been avoided if she were honest and just ended it before she slept with that other guy, and she was probably miserable abandoning her life and raising her child alone. She should have given him the chance to seek his own happiness and finding someone who truly wanted to be with him, instead of crying in bed all I’m getting an abortion. She probably never told that Asian guy and he went on to marry his fiance and they got to start off their life with a lie and who knows if they were happy or not, but somewhere between 50% – 100% of the people involved were miserable for life due to the lack of honesty and inability to give themselves the chance to seek happiness.
You can’t leave me alone. People will still come up to me and bring up your name. I will hear it being yelled down the hall in excitement over something.. that happened yesterday, or something funny will happen or there will be a group photo and someone will tell me to share it with you.. that happened yesterday too. Something about me will remind them of you. I still don’t know how that works. And omg, that stupid meeting, I’m gonna have to walk out of the room while the speaker phone is on Tuesday, and every day after that.
Maybe my biggest downfall isn’t my curiosity, maybe it’s my lack of fear. I’ve never been afraid to ask some things that probably should never be asked, or to try and see how it goes even if it’s currently unknown. Everything starts out as the unknown. I’m rambling, I’m mad, and I’m rambling. I get it, I’m not worth it to you. I get it, you can’t provide the answers I’m looking for. I realized after asking and getting deflected so many times, the answers no longer matter. They never did. I love you, and I’m mad at you, and I cannot stay like this. The context needs to change. I don’t know why you feel like you’re losing me, or why you want me to remain in your life right now. I don’t know if this is forever, I just know it’s going to take a lot of time to get to indifference, and then.. maybe then if for some reason you still want me in your life, we can have the appropriate context we should have been in from the start.
